Holy Bleep! Jesus Might Be Real ...

Full Book!

Jan 31, 2025

HOLLY BLEEP!

JESUS MIGHT BE REAL…

BY: CASEY JAHSMAN

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TNMC LLC

ISBN: 9798307840320

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION.. 4

CHAPTER 2 – HE DESERVED IT AND SO DID I. 10

CHAPTER 3 – THANK GOD WE ARE MODERN HUMANS 17

CHAPTER 4 – JUDGEMENT AND MOCKERY. 30

CHAPTER 5 – ISN’T THAT WHERE THEY WORSHIP THE DEVIL 37

CHAPTER 6 – THE DARKNESS. 45

CHAPTER 7 – WAKING UP. 68

CHAPTER 8 – MOE’S, HOE’S, CHRISTIANS, REALTORS 84

CHAPTER 9 – HYPNOSIS A HYPOTHESIS. 90

CHAPTER 10 – MAN, DUN WRONG GUNNA MAKE IT RIGHT, HAR YUCK 100

CHAPTER 11 – BACK TO THE CROSS. 105

CHAPTER 12 – THE UNTHINKABLE. 114

CHAPTER 13– SO JESUS HUH?. 121

CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION

pparently, crosses are important, so why don’t we start there? Having received an A+ with fulfilling all of the 7 Deadly Sins to their fullest it’s safe to say I wasn’t well. They say opposites attract and with that it seems there may be something to Yin and Yang. Dark and light, inhalation and exhalation, feminine and masculine, catabolic and anabolic, your curse is your blessing, and your blessing is your curse. Just as you are probably not supposed to use profanity in the title of a book about finding Jesus, one is also not supposed to flex thy fruit. Screw it; it turns out I actually had some woodworking skills; I had built hundreds of pieces. Many pieces received some notable praise; of course, I didn’t see it. I hated myself and therefore hated what I created, with the exception of two pieces that is.

One piece was a hodge podge of glued and stacked scraps. Most people thought it was crap, if we are honest, and that was rare. Even rarer was that I really liked it; it somehow resembled music. The other piece was a cross. In the next paragraph, I will apologize for needing to use such brutal honesty in this book and speak of honesty. Believers in Christ always seemed to be reasonably happy and peaceful, and it seemed it was their conviction that kept them this way.

Fucking morons! Sure, Christians seemed to be fairly nice, but still, such blatant ignorance within their ways really wasn’t helping anything. Proverbs 14-15: “The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.” Broken down to the way I was thinking at the time, this meant that stupid people were not to be blamed for being stupid and believing in Christ …... however, when a smart person believed, that was, let's say, that was too sophisticated. Perhaps simplicity is the ultimate sophistication, and “smart” and “intelligent” have different definitions for a reason.

Truth is better over-salted than under. With that, please understand that no words within are meant to offend. We are going to get ruckus, raw and real! The narrator of David Goggins's books is a white man, and he did, in fact, read aloud the “N” word, and he didn’t hold back with using emphasis when pronouncing it. Clearly, that was contentious, but Mr. Goggins gave his narrator the blessing to do so as needed. With that in mind, welcome to the salt mines.

Throughout the course of my Amphetamine addiction, I would build custom-ordered pieces as well as sometimes do one-offs, out of temptation and sometimes for coin. I had only been flat broke once, which meant I always had the money for beer …. However, some drugs were more expensive, and with that, a cross was the answer. The plan was simple: a piece of scrap poplar would be stained, turning it into the poor man's walnut, a ripping of redwood would act as some casing, and some raw poplar would be an inlay. If that sounds intricate, trust that it wasn’t; an aptitude for wood-fueled by amphetamines meant I could build some stuff at light speed.

A lap joint was cut with a skill saw, a little glue, and a few brads, and the job was done. Well, not quite; as Christians were stupid and spent money on stupid shit, I was convinced this cross would sell for a few bucks rather quickly. Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist, Next Door, and the for-sale posts were quickly up. Before throwing it behind the workbench where other trash laid I grabbed it in my right hand. My grip was tight; the wood had been sanded, but not quite enough, so it felt a little rough, of which I didn’t care. As my hand rose, I found it beautiful; the design, colors, and proportions seemed to work. I hated almost everything I built; why was this piece so stunning? Even firmer, I grasped it, staring at it with all my might. I thought, “HA! Yeah, right …. “. Then I proceeded to throw it behind the workbench where the other trash was.

This book is not for Christians; it is for those who are not. Has anyone ever told you how smart you are? Yes? You are probably hurting because of it. Let that be your proof that your blessing can be a curse. This book will briefly chronicle my journey from being a near complete disbeliever to a beyond-a-reasonable doubt standard of proof that God and Jesus are real.

Today is January 18, 2025, and on February 2, 2025, I will be accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. This book will be written between now and then. With that in mind please accept imperfections as they may come. Also, “Crazier Than I Thought – Seeing the Matrix: An Autobiography and More” will be referenced multiple times and available for free download or purchase at TruthNugget.Co, this book will be made available for free as well. If it so happens that Truth Nugget Co. adds value to your life and you want to further support, we do have a donation link set up at TruthNugget.Co.

This book is here to help, not hurt. If you are struggling or in pain, please know that you are loved. Please know that you deserve peace. We got this; you got this!

CHAPTER 2 – HE DESERVED IT AND SO DID I

he “so did I” was the weird part. See, the three amigos were all amigoing while working on a truck in the High School auto shop. James was holding a wrench, Dill was trying to fit a bolt, and I was underneath the truck, holding an alternator. Or perhaps it was a power steering pump; alternators are at the top of the pulley system on Chevys. To the Ford guys, yeah, yeah, yeah, we were Chevy guys. And for those that don’t yet believe, please do laugh at us rednecks a bit; fair is fair. Anyway, James sneezed, Dill spooked, and a bolt was dropped on my noggin. A Dill hole, for sure! Quickly, I got up, grabbed the hose, and started spraying Dill with it. “Hey Boys!” Mr. Argon, the auto shop teacher, proclaimed. “Hey Casey, give me your scorecard; sorry, but that’s negative one point.”

I was always very insecure, a big-time go-getter but wildly insecure on the inside. I didn’t like authority figures and really didn’t like getting in trouble; it hurt too much. However, this time, there was no turmoil; I wasn’t happy for getting the point docked …... yet somehow, the ravenous pain of not being perfect wasn’t a big bother. It just seemed fair; Dill fully deserved what he got, and I was a bit out of line. This event stuck with me for another 15 years; why wasn’t I upset with getting reprimanded? The answer is that I understood why I was getting reprimanded. And this is a stupid example, but what is worse? A stomach ache for no apparent reason, or a stomach ache because you knowingly ate too much chocolate? Right! The one for no apparent reason!

You are so beautiful, you are so loved, and you are so deserving!! You are! I know it may not feel like that now. It may not feel like that when you literally have a gun to your head, or you are all alone begging for people to hang out with you and especially when a thumping Jesus freak who doesn’t know that genes are to DNA as jeans are to pants has a sign that says “God hates fags, and my jeans are better than yours.”

About a year ago, a true tragedy fell upon the family, and that quickly had me in another state. This tragedy was so severe that drinking and drugs were simply not an option. I had to fight, and here we are. Anyway, I soon attended SMART Recovery meetings, which is an acronym for Self-Management And Recovery Training. Both AA and SMART programs are designed to help people achieve sobriety; AWESOME! My time in AA did lead to the recognition that the human mind is, in fact, PROGRAMMABLE / HYPNOTIZABLE / BRAINWASHABLE, and we will try to apply some science to that later. Anyway, while AA and SMART both share the same goal, their approaches are very different. As it seemed, AA was full of brainwashed stupid people who negate the factual, objective reality as proven by reductionist scientific methodologies, relatively happy and peaceful people, but stupid nonetheless. Psst – being stupid was simply not allowable.

Subsequently, the SMART meetings were filled with folks with impressive intellectual capabilities. Educated, eloquent, capable, articulate, well-spoken doctors, lawyers, grad students, ICU nurses, and more. The ability of these folks to extrapolate on a myriad of complex topics in the here and now was astonishing; math, science, spirituality, world politics, growth, purpose, and more were all on the table and discussed at levels that would often find me with my pants down. But the thing is, these people didn’t really seem that peaceful; they weren’t necessarily unhappy …. Yet there was an energy in the rooms that didn’t vibe man.

Now, I am sure the bible says something about not judging others; however, it probably also says that we are not saints as well. Anyway, a man walked into one of these SMART meetings; he had chill guy vibes, and his paths were rock climber hippie status. He gestured to and spoke briefly with the meeting facilitator, and it was clear they were connected somehow. The meeting began, and he shared that when it was his turn, before too long, he excused himself and went to get an early start on the paint night shindig he was facilitating. This dude's pants were stupid; he was peaceful AF, and to top it off, he ran an ultra-dork paint night …... what a DORK!

It turns out this dork wasn’t such a dork; he was, in fact, a high-level Jujitsu practitioner, finisher of the Leadville 100 (an EXTREMELY difficult 100-mile ULTRA marathon), held a decent job, and was actively serving others in their pursuit of sobriety. AKA, this dude was a grade-A badass. This gent was also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous; what did he have? And why wasn’t he shouting about it? The paint night and SMART meetings were in the same building around the same time; after one meeting, I headed down the hallway and chatted with this gent a bit. My happy-go-lucky side and curiosity were raging, like always. “Hey, what did you think of the SMART meeting? Are you going to come back?” I asked. “It was cool; I love that people are going for it,” he replied. As it turns out, humility blinds the ego, and that peace may be what masks truth.

And a few P.S. The above folks mentioned were all drug addicts and alcoholics; with that in mind, addicts and alcoholics are just people. Also, yes, I am or at least was a skydiver, and the running joke amongst skydivers is that we all know we have to let others know that we are skydivers. The reason for this is simple: our egos are so big, and our wieners are so tiny. Or is this true? While I never passed the baby bird level of skydiving, it was an honor to be around some world-class skydivers and base jumpers. Sure, some of them thought their shit didn’t stink, but a lot of them knew it did. Interesting, to say the least! 1 Peter 5:3: “Not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock”.

CHAPTER 3 – THANK GOD WE ARE MODERN HUMANS

Luke 8:17 “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be made known and brought to light”.

hank God for being modern humans, as we wouldn’t have running water if we weren’t, or such sophisticated science, such impressive cars, incredible computational power, amazing medicine, and nutritious food. We are so grateful to have adopted a reductionist model of interpreting our reality; without that, we would just be left with not-so-real ancient wisdom … whatever that is, anyway.

One thing that may come to light in this book is that things are often “both” or not so believable at face value. There are things everyone knows that everyone knows as fact, such facts that refusal of said fact would be grounds for going to the psych ward in the modern world or the stake if you were a witch in Salem. Some of these facts include that kale is a superfood, one should pull their parachute, snipe hunting is just a joke to play on city slickers, and you really want your parachute to open while skydiving.

These facts would never be called to question, except for the now generally accepted knowledge that kale really isn’t all that healthy. “Pulling your parachute” is LITERALLY the worst thing you could do with a modern skydiving system (THROW your parachute, seriously). Snipe are actually fast-moving birds that can be hunted in California (or at least could a few years ago). If your parachute just opens, that’s all it does; the incredible G load can kill the jumper (it's known as a hard opening).

Did any of the above have you saying, “What the bejeebers?”. Probably, that is cognitive dissonance for you. Cognitive dissonance is defined as “the turmoil induced by holding two opposing ideas simultaneously.” Cognitive dissonance is a central pillar when it comes to understanding the human psychological makeup. Cognitive dissonance is a fascinating topic to explore, and we may do more later; for now, just let a seed be planted. My life’s work, as expressed in “Crazier Than I Thought,” came to a rather sophisticated …. Sorry, a straightforward answer – the human mind is programmable.

Chances are that you did latch onto the idea of “DO NOT PULL YOUR PARACHUTE.” It was such an extreme idea that the “new information” phenomenon kicked in, and you believed it. However, the idea of kale is bullshit …. you may still be on the fence about that one, right? There are reasons for all of these things, so let's flow a bit.

When it comes to heck, no, no way, not going to happen type ideas, skydiving was #1, and coming to believe in Jesus was #1. We will talk about skydiving now and Jesus later; we may even seemingly keep talking shit about Jesus. It’s called being agreeable, and it’s a way in (I have learned this tactic from salespeople and cult members if we are honest). Anyway, you don’t have to worry; no ultra crazy thumpy thumpy bible thumping will come.

Okay, so let's jump! I was fucking mortified! Beyond mortified! I thought skydivers were truly delusional and crazy and really shouldn’t be performed at all. My girlfriend got us tandem jump tickets at the time, and I managed to put off the jump for 6 months. She pulled the “you pinky promised” card, and before you knew it, the door of the airplane was open. Words cannot express the horror I felt at that moment, just as words cannot express the freedom I felt 5 seconds later. It’s safe to say that that leap of faith changed my life forever.

I ended up being around airplanes, skydivers, parachutes, and first-time tandem jumpers for about 3 years. In that time, I witnessed well over 1,000 first-time tandem jumper’s land. Everyone loves it because skydiving is amazing, so do it! Sometimes, people say, “Yeah, that was cool,” and carry about their day. Sometimes people say “whooooHOOOO! That was incredible!! Let’s do it again!”. And sometimes, people have a full-blown spiritual breakthrough. The latter is what happened to me. Orgasms can last a few minutes, airgasims can last a few months. If it’s not clear, airgasims are what happens when one first tastes human flight.

My airgasm was so intense I soon became a full-fledged solo jumper. A full-fledged skydiver who was doing a small number of jumps and a huge amount of Adderall, you have probably heard of that; it’s the ADHD “medication”; it’s not a medication, it’s speed. Ohh! Sorry, that may have sounded rather condescending. If you want more information about Adderall or other drugs, for that matter, Ch 7 of “Crazier Than I Thought” is available for free at TruthNugget.Co is for you.

So, this continued airgasm I was having, along with taking an insane amount of legal speed, had things getting a little interesting. See, before that first jump, I wasn’t exactly a dick, but I was extremely uptight, tense, stern, and bootstrapy, and after that jump, everything changed. It was an awakening; it was freeing; there was warmth in my heart, joy resonating about me, and a desire, a true desire to stop everything and help others, was within. It was joy, it was peace, it was bliss, it was nirvana, it was drive and motivation and love and desire and compassion like I had never felt before. I now know what was going on, but at the time, I didn’t. It was kind of like when the Israelites escaped from the dick head Farrow, they had to take a leap of faith to get away, and they did, and it was great, it was great until it wasn’t. As I understand it, the Israelites were soon in the desert and without direction from God, so what did they do? Yeah, they started having a lot of sex and getting super drunk. Hey, someone should have told them about the seven deadly sins, or maybe they should have realized what they were doing was naughty and that they would pay.

Anyway, the airgasm I was having wouldn’t go down. I was super, super up on doing “good stuff.” Raising money for the homeless, spreading love, saying to strangers that they are loved, volunteering to build picnic benches for some newfound communist friends so we could fight the oppressive regime of evil capitalists, and more. I was up, super up!! Doing all of this “good stuff” was sure to make the world happy with me …… so I kept taking a lot of legal speed and drinking a lot. Soon, powerful people were conspiring against me, famous people were sending me secretive messages, and soon, I was also in the hospital. That’s amphetamine-induced psychosis for ya; like I said, Adderall is a drug. I'm really not happy about doing so many naughty things due to drug and alcohol addiction. But hey, this book is very much an act of atonement.

Encountering this bout of amphetamine-induced psychosis was extremely trying on the family and me, but hey, we humans are resilient as all heck and can come back from anything. If I can, so can you! We got this, YOU got this!

Anyway, my “psychotic break” was labeled as some initial bipolar episode; I was given more Adderall (which was all I cared about at that point) and was also given a regimen of very, very powerful antipsychotic medications. It was a really serendipitous arrangement; a drug addict got more drugs, and the system got a new patient.

From an extremely stern person to the freest I had ever been over just the course of a few months. It was a genuine awakening. Through said awakening, I became rather childish; that seems to happen as we awaken. It is also true that when a man TRULY breaks, he becomes a child again. That episode of psychosis truly broke me; at the age of 23 or so, I became a child again and am infinitely grateful that I had a father's love to guide me. It has been 4 days since I decided to accept Jesus, and a similar awakening is occurring. And again, I have a father's love to guide me. However, this time, we are bound by spirit, not blood. Or maybe we are bound by blood – blood, wine, communion, yeah, anyway, the point is the point.

Psychosis is generally defined as full detachment from reality, and subsequently, it is often accompanied by incredible amounts of paranoia. My testimony revealed that not just above but much more so in “Crazier Than I Thought” (again available at TruthNugget.Co). A psychotic mind will do a lot of interesting things if we are honest, including making connections, connections that do resemble a detachment from reality.

Okay, sure, God is God, and nothing is a coincidence ……. Buuuuuut, well here is an example. To my left is a jar of Adams Natural Peanut Butter; I was literally looking to find an example of a connection a psychotic or paranoid mind would make. It so happens that I am planning to reach out to the ULRTA runner guy mentioned above; I am simply going to ask to hear his story if he is willing to share. His name happens to be Adam. That’s all. However, a mind that has the bowels of psychosis infecting the pineal gland would probably be 100% convinced that the Adam-Adam connection was something much grander than a random coincidence. So, what happens when a bazillion random coincidences that seem to have grand importance happen at once? Yeah ……. Let’s flow.

It took quite a while to come back from my initial psychotic break fully. An empty vessel can easily be refilled; however, a broken one must first be fixed. Powerful prescription antipsychotic medications were very much indicated and all but required, thank you, western medicine, and now fuck you, western medicine. The “bipolar” diagnosis and the following myriads of antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and more were in no way indicated. And hand on heart, I apologize to California taxpayers; those “medications” were not cheap, and your tax dollars paid for them.

The other beautiful part of this serendipitous event of a drug addict getting more drugs and the matrix getting a new patient was the fact that I now became special. And yeah, the word “beautiful” probably should have been replaced with “disturbing.” Full conviction or perhaps a fulfilled understanding of a subject matter often leads one to be a bit of a smartass. Sorry, your graciousness is much appreciated. Let’s flow.

Frankly, pride is the deadliest of the seven deadly sins, and for me, that is. It is normal, natural, understandable, and even helpful to want to feel unique, special, important, and even revered a bit. I genuinely wanted to do good in the world, and I also genuinely wanted to be loved, and “bipolar” was my ticket. It became my identity; not only did it give me the moral green light to continue to act out, but I also got the “good on you for being so brave” from others. I got what I wanted, and I got it from being a victim, and that is dangerous on both an individual level as well as a societal level.

CHAPTER 4 – JUDGEMENT AND MOCKERY

failing of mine was and still is judging, class, categorizing, and grouping different sets of people. Our blessing is our curse, curse – blessing, good – bad, bad – good, turd – polished. As it happened a few years ago, I heard a powerful message. The bro and I were doing some RV’ing, and my entrepreneur spirit was being its true self, unique. In conversation with another entrepreneurial RV’er, I discussed how I would get some gigs from the campground. This campground was legit, they were structured, and they needed to be approached this way or that way, I generally mentioned to fellow RV brothers. He said, “They are people, too,” and it clicked. It turns out he was a pastor, huh!

And speaking of categorizing people, skydivers, hippies, entrepreneurs, burners, drug addicts, Jesus freaks, communists, painters, writers, engineers, homeless folk, comedians, and more! It has been such an honor getting to meet some of God's finest. And speaking of God’s finest—Christians! Usually, that is, Christians seemed to be generally on point. However….

Hedonism is the pursuit of pleasure in all of our affairs. Pleasure is a good thing; not fully pursuing it clearly wouldn’t make much sense. No pain, no gain? All gain, all pain?

7:30 AM alarms going off, time for church. It now seems the church is not where Jesus is found; the church is not where we go to do God’s work; the church is where we go to pursue Jesus, find his will, and pursue the pleasure of fulfilling it. My big mouth may say something that offends one with a deeper understanding of Christianity; they may get pissed, and a bible thumping may be coming. And frankly, that is okay; thy will be done.

I just got back, and here is what happened. This may read a little differently. Let's flow.

Walking near the doors, and the hellos started flowing. A peaceful-seeming husband and wife duo started talking with me, with smiles and laughter. They knew I was new in those parts. He asked, “Would you like to join our usher team this morning?”. “Ohh honey, slow down, maybe next week,” she said. Laughs were made. “Ahhhhh, she hit ya with the honey-do, don’t, didn’t she?” I said. The divine masculine led physically, and the divine feminine led spiritually. “Can I help you with something?” said my future face deal friend. “Yes, do you have a baptism sign-up sheet?” I asked. “Yes, wait, no, go ahead and just use this form,” she said. I am getting ready just about to marry Jesus; what would be her response to asking for the baptism sheet? Her heart was warm, but she flowed with something to be discussed later.

More smiles and laughs, “sorry, what's your name again?” she asked, “Casey, haha, hey, let's make a deal, I am horrible with names too; can we just remember each other's faces?”. Her mouth widened to smile, and she did; her hand went to my shoulder, and a deal was made. I was there early, “Hey, do you want to come for a pre-service prayer?”. I did trance, flow, and hypnosis. That is what it is. Soon, Pastor D or PD was doing some microphone checks; maybe some technical problems were occurring, but there was more flow. A young girl went on stage; Pastor D was speaking into the microphone, “Hey, did you do your scripture studies? Which verse did you read?”. Shit, I thought! This is where the ultra-creepy public declaration and humiliation were going to begin. “Yes, it was X, Y, Z proverbs,” the girl replied into the microphone. “Okay, can you recite it?” said Pastor D. He wasn’t being crude, harsh, or demanding in any way. “No, I can't, but he can,” she said, pointing to her brother. She said no. Was a bible bashing coming? No, Pastor D just smiled and asked her something else about her day.

There was a flow, flow, flow; why did this word flow so much? Singing, dancing, prayer, praise, guitars, drums. Speaking of drums, was it the percussion of the drums causing my heart to literally vibrate? Or was it the electrolyte imbalance from the 34-hour fast I just completed? Nope, neither of those. It was loud in there, yet I could feel the guitar strings through the guitarist's hands; what? Flow. Snare hat up; here it comes – “chick,” snare hat up, here it comes – “chick,” snare hat up, here it comes – “chick.” The vocalists transitioned from singing a song on their screen to something else man. Was this lady starting to rap? Pray or pounce? Let's go. She was on one for sure. There was tune, there was rhyme, there was cadence, and there was something inside of this vocalist: go, go, go. It's like Jesus went into some battle rap. This girl was a big lady, and my God, she started hopping. Whoooah! WOW! It was electric, it was love, and it was Jesus, not Ecstasy. Big dog’s gotta eat, and preachers gotta preach! And Pastor D was on that one!

Go, bro, go! Hands, hands, hands. The sermon was on hands, hands, hands, what? Why? OHH! I knew a King David reference was coming; I just knew it! The song “Hallelujah” by Lenord Cohen is my second favorite song. The rejoicing within the 4th is beyond words, and the significant lift within the 5th keeps improving. Preach, preacher, man, preach! Inhaling his hips, leaning back, and exhaling forward, they went, enabling the vessel to power the word. The drums were the preacher's backup, but only when he needed to breathe. Preach, preacher, man, preach! The seven ways to preach! Zamar was number 3! There was flow, there was music. LET’S GOOOOO!

After the service, I approached Pastor D; we had only met twice before. Hey Pastor D, going to hit ya from left field, ready?” I asked. “Yeah, go for it.” Just this Wednesday, I decided to accept Jesus and get baptized in 12 days; God told me to write a book in that time. I thought about titling it: “Holy (hand to the side of the mouth and whispering) S#it, Jesus Might Be Real, God said to ask about that one four-letter word.” He replied, “Oh man, I love comedy, but no, if God told you to do so, then yes, but if you let me Pastor you for a second, then no.” “Deal, I said, we will change it, just had to ask,” I said. He continued by recommending fasting and prayer. Pray, pray, pray, and fast. Why? Flow, flow, flow, and the pineal gland – what? Aren’t those hippie terms? As it turns out, YES! And with that, do you want to come along to Burning Man?

P.S. On the way home, James passed by, passed by driving a Ford truck; Dill drives a Ford now, too. People can change, ya know.

CHAPTER 5 – ISN’T THAT WHERE THEY WORSHIP THE DEVIL

sn’t Burning Man where they worship the devil? It’s a question I have been asked multiple times. The answer is a hard NO! However, it is a great place to go and get deceived by the devil.

They say the devil is the great deceiver and that he is! A life principle that has guided me to extremely dark places as well as out of those dark places is the following – one step in any direction from where we are now is not that big of a deal, but one step in any direction is often a LONG way from where we began. The blessing and curse of this is that we confuse where we are now with where we began. Please take note of this concept and water its seed.

I had heard of the seven deadly sins; who hasn’t? But, like, come on now, how bad is a little sloth? Just a little T.V., right? Gluttony? Ahh, come on, let's go for pizza! Pride? Yeah, well, that one is clearly stupid because I am important! And so on and so on.

Truth is, I NEVER hated Christians, or Mormons, or those of any faith, really. It’s just that …… yeah, a sky daddy that is all-knowing, has one principal son, a bunch of disciples, has a book called the bible, and that somehow it was prophetic sounded looney. Okay, maybe there was some history in the bible, and sometimes it said some things that made sense, but everyone sometimes gets a nut. And we had textbooks for history anyway.

So, remember earlier how I got in trouble for spraying Dill with the hose once? I didn’t feel bad about it; I just learned from it. A tear may quickly come, and please forgive me for that. So many people are suffering right now, and the reason for this is simple. People are suffering because we don’t know why we are suffering. Finding Jesus has been a God send, no pun intended; there is something here. With that in mind, we can only move so far so fast, so now, we hear that we need to understand why we are suffering. Others are to blame for this; I think that’s what they mean by “the enemy.” Unfortunately, we are also to blame ourselves for a lot of this. Your traumas are VALID, you are loved, and you deserve to thrive, we got this, YOU got this!

Flows fading, and it is hard to find where to put what. Anyway, I was a pretty strait-laced young man; I had a driver's license on the day I turned 16, graduated high school early on independent studies while working full time, was a college grad (and dropped out subsequently), was a Fire Academy Grad, and EMT school grad, blah blah blah. Then Adderall came along; it temporarily fixed the cracks in my vessel at that time. However, the Adderall crack filler will explode the cranky vessel after seemingly fixing it.

My vessel just wanted to be recognized and, more so, feel a part of it. Those spiritual problems are ones that really shouldn’t be “fixed” with drink, drugs, and acting out as to seem notable. It was always the crazy one of the groups that got the recognition; I wanted that recognition, AKA external validation. Becoming a skydiver is kinda crazy; some people thought it was cool, and I liked that they liked it, but there were never enough cool stories I could tell. Also, Burning Man sounded crazy; if I became a burner with wild drug and women stories, wouldn’t that be cool? Not that women are bitches, but wouldn’t banging a bunch of them and getting those numbers up be a nice flex? I mean …. Why is it that women are labeled as whores for sleeping with a bunch of men, and men are labeled as Gods for sleeping with a bunch of women. Folks, the simple answer is often times the right one.

Anyway, Burning Man, WOW! WOW! What an incredible feat of the human's desire to scurry about. Truth be told, that’s all we humans do: scurry here, scurry there, scurry and scurry. Scurring is cool, but maybe we should scurry for Jesus a bit more; we shall see. I loved Adderall and craved huge amounts of beer. One more step towards something recognition and my life would be complete, one more step and one more and one more. From graduating from high school early to now doing Orgy Dome things at Burning Man, being high on Molly with women underneath El Popo at night while it lit off probably 20 gallons of propane in just a few seconds, doing a community promiscuity event at Burning Man and more. It was just one more step; I didn’t feel bad for any of it until. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are right. Isn’t fun happy? I once was blind, but now I see.

That’s the point: I was blind. Adderall was a prescription, and therefore, I thought it was okay. As for alcohol (which we will talk about when we get to the idea of programming), it seemed fine; I mean, everyone drinks it; Jesus even made wine from water. With Adderall and alcohol being fine, I then saw fellow burners doing drugs; they seemed fine, so I did drugs with them. The oppressive regime of sexual restriction posed by the, you know, who seemed oppressive and therefore not healthy. With that being the case over, indulgence in sexual freedom appeared to be a healthy thing. Should “tho not as much as hold hands on the first date” or “tho having fun and fornicate on thy first date”?

As for groups or types of people, the “intentional community” is a fascinating hodgepodge; sometimes, they seem to know something more. Sometimes these “intentional” people just wanted to smell their farts and demand their kale be organic; however, sometimes, there was more. Perhaps we are talking about the intentional spiritual community. These people generally believe in Yin and Yang, karma and effect, put genuine intent into serving the earth, AND believe there is more to reality than what meets the eye. These spiritual folk would talk of psychedelics and how they were more than drugs, how these psychedelic MEDICATIONS could help others into different realms to meet God and understand a far more complex version of reality. Time and repetition are the mother of all programming, and I spent a lot of time with said folks. My intrigue was raging! They were convinced there was more to reality than what meets the eye and that the answer to that was our third eye. I was listening. Hint – the pinecone at the Vatican.

To be clear, Burning Man is a spectacle! Extremes can be pursued anywhere in God's kingdom; Burning Man is NOT specifically for devil worshiping. And speaking of devil worshiping. Who is the devil, and who is God? Well, the devil is a Dag, right? And God is the great guy. Yeah, but again, come on, only metaphysically, it's not like there could be anything there. Or could there be?

CHAPTER 6 – THE DARKNESS

e are about 6,000 words into this book and are on track for about 30,000 words. With that, let’s talk a little bit about history and world politics. Then, we will fast-track through my testimony of the hands and get to what really matters.

History, let's talk about it. Shit! Wait, don’t Christians believe that Adam and Eve were the first two humans on this planet and that there were none before? Well, yours truly, while having done many crazy things, does have an extremely prudent and practical side. A fact-based side, a side that must focus on the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law. This has been and will continue to be a hindrance on a faith-based journey. Matthew 23:24

Right now, I am sure you have heard the stereotype that Americans are small-minded, yes? Yes! Is this because we don’t have culture? Absolutely not! Just look at our truck-driving rednecks, and you will see that mud terrain tires and Copenhagen lids, when applied to such groups within a grander society, do very much resemble culture. Is it because we are not well-traveled? Sort of, maybe. However, I think the stereotype of Americans being small-minded stems from the fact that we think in such short terms. The United States of America has only been the USA for about 250 years, which is a short time. In said short amount of time, culture, technology, tools, materials, electronics, and especially social media have created a group consciousness (now that’s a powerful phenomenon) that has shortened not just our attention span but also disallowed us to understand how society flows and pendulums.

Ray Dallieos's book “Principles For Dealing With The Changing World Order: Why Nations Succeed and Fail” is a must-read. It explores historical cycles of economic, political, and social changes and offers insights into how these patterns can help us understand the future. In this book, we hope to offer some insights into the human mind and discuss “awakenings” a bit. Ray Dallieos's book was very much of an awakening for me. It enabled me to see just how easily a millennial such as myself could see their parents were too traditional as children of boomers saw their parents as far too traditional, just as they saw their parents as needing to free up a bit. Dallieos’s book showed me that these swells in cultural changes are normal; they happen and are part of the process. However, with the bigger swells and the shortening of timeframes, the pendulum bob's mass has increased.

Okay, let's flow into darkness—tons of beer, tons of Adderall, crazy this and crazy that. My heart was in the right place, and I wanted to do good; unfortunately, what made me feel good was feeling special, notable for being a victim. Hard times create hard men, hard men create soft times, and soft times create soft men. The early 2,000s…. Sorry, the early early 2,000s – see, small-minded! The early 2000s were soft times in America, especially for me. I had to screw some things up pretty well and go through hell to see some light. It sucks, but that’s how it is. Struggling? Have faith that a significant lift is coming for you. I promise!

Identity is the center of the human condition, and at this point, being “bipolar” was my identity. I was given that label by professionals who must have known what they were doing, and my mood swings reinforced the “bi” part of bipolar. Have you heard the term “woke”? What is woke? Well, if you know, I don’t think there is a generally accepted definition for the term. However, we can say that wokism is rooted in hedonistic ideation as well as that of victimhood. Victimhood 101 is demanding others change so we can thrive. My thought processes at the time were simple: do good, be good; if something seems mean or harsh, it must not be good and, therefore, is terrible. Oh, how wrong I was. With a broader perspective on the term “woke,” I like to define it as being overly excited about the importance of a particular thing. These days, I am pretty woke to clean eating, avoiding chemicals, and proper exercise, for good reason. I am also getting pretty woke to Jesus, and that’s for a good reason, too.

At this point in life, my days consisted of waking up hungover, taking a bunch of legal speed, cigarettes, and coffee, cleaning up sawdust in the shop, making some sawdust in the shop, and then drinking away what remained of my problems. Friends had started to dissipate, and those who would praise me for “being so strong and brave in the face of my “bipolar” struggles” were no longer offering such support. I wanted to do good; the “woke” culture people were the ones who stated they stood for inclusion, equity, love, respect, and tolerance. Speaking of tolerance, they understood the “tolerance paradox,” i.e., the only thing they wouldn’t stand for was intolerance. To me, it just seemed that Trump supporters and Christians just needed a little love and to be shown the way, but apparently, Trump supporters and Christians were just too extreme and, therefore, deserved hate instead.

It was Adderall and alcohol, more Adderall and more alcohol, more and more; I was getting sicker, fatter, and more and more depressed. I didn’t understand my pain; I just wanted everyone to “be nicer to each other,” and everything would be perfect. I dated a lady who identified as “androgynous,” i.e., neither a boy nor a girl. She woke me up to the ideas of trans culture; it seemed good; hey, freedom, right? My time at a California university brought me to the mindset of oppressor vs. oppressed: racism, gender inequalities, the white man's bad, societal norms that needed breaking, etc. The lady I dated confirmed all of these ideas and further pushed my mind towards beginning to believe that a boy could be a girl and vice versa. I was confused, angry, and hurt; I was good at pointing fingers at others but never myself. People would say to have faith in God and that Jesus loved me. Pssst, yeah, whatever; how could a loving God allow such pain?

Many words could be used to express the magnitude of my sin, and while that is no longer the goal, I would like to share a few stories. Earlier in this book and earlier in life, I had an episode of amphetamine-induced psychosis, which was labeled as and accepted by everyone, including myself, to be a “bipolar” episode. Anyway, I once again ran into the realm of psychosis; a lot was happening, full story in “Crazier Than I Thought.” The short story is that one of my lady friends was the sweetest, kindest, most angelic lady ever.

She had dudes be very mean to her in the past. The last thing she needed was for another man to mistreat her. No, I did not lay hands on her; I did worse; the words that came from my mount were very bad! Honestly, I don’t remember what I was saying; I didn’t realize I was saying anything bad at all. The day ended with her saying to “never speak to her again” and my brother absolutely screaming at me, and if you knew my brother, you would know how out of line I must have actually been. Thy will be done; stay tuned.

Things were getting worse and worse; the up-and-down manic high and depressive lows were getting stronger and stronger. I had full conviction that my pain and suffering were not on me, that my bipolar was reel, and that the “modern” medications I was on were not only required but also a God send. Things were getting worse and worse; I wanted to kill myself. I would dream, scheme, and pray for death, but death didn’t come. Again, it’s a long story that can be had in more detail in the book “Crazier Than I Thought (available at TruthNugget.Co). Things were very bad: no friends, little money, and I had gained 60LBS, so I finally threw my hands up and asked for help!

Or did I? Want to come along to rehab?

This Might Be A Bit Jerky, Lets Flow

Going to rehab means you are broken, and being broken sucks, make no doubt! I had been in for about three days when I had a pretty startling recognition. I was in a room FULL of drug addicts and alcoholics, and aside from one gentleman who was very bad for wear, everyone else was reasonably clean-cut, well-spoken, kind, educated, and fairly normal. BAMM, there went 20-odd years of one perception being completely smashed within a few seconds; talk about an awakening. I had always thought that addicts and alcoholics were crazed, defiled, rag-tagged loonies, and that was the furthest thing from the truth.

So here is how our minds can be molded; our minds can be programmed. Just as I had always thought that alcoholics and addicts were way out there crazed, I also thought that the ONLY way to get sober was through AA. That is what everyone in society told me; it is what family told me, and this is exactly what the AA says.

Even though I was a full-blown alcoholic, I never really had very bad withdrawals, and the depression from not being on Adderall was somewhat manageable due to the anxiety of being in a new environment. The program was simple; they said: step 1, “We admitted we were powerless bla bla bla,” step 2, “Came to believe a power greater than us blah blab la, steps 3,4,5, and so on. One gentleman who had come into this rehab was very fat, old, and near death; it was sad, we all knew it. Speaking of knowing something, he knew something we didn’t. He saw something we didn’t, said it, and spoke up. In between breaths, his rattling voice would scream and bellow, “They are brainwashing you!!!” he would say, “You, see? Can't you see!!” “They are brainwashing you; this stuff doesn’t make sense!!! This is all lies. It's propaganda!!!!”. And he was right, based upon the law's letter.

Sometime in the future, I plan to write a book titled “Alcoholics Anonymous Is a Cult – Here Is Why You Might Want To Go.” Yin and yang, black and white, both. There is a lot of Jesus in my heart, and I do not intend to tear it down; we want to build it up. However, the following discernments about the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics, Gamblers, and Over Eaters Anonymous are going to prove important for one very reason.

The cult of AA (or any other 12-step program) is a cult based on the definition of cult – “a system of religious veneration toward a particular figure, idea, deity, god, person, or thing.” AA has multiple working parts, so it is a system check. A system of religion, which is broken down, is, re – “again or back” ligare “to bind” or “to connect.” AA is a system of religious roots as they are literally again bound alcoholics who then venerate the program for saving their lives. It is a cult, a religious cult.

Here is how it works; you are highly fucked up in all matters of your life, so you walk into a place with a bunch of people who want to help you, and they do try because they genuinely want to help; they can help, they do help, but not without being brainwashed first. Step one is “we admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.” The concept of powerlessness could be discussed in infinitum so that we will skip that. However, the second part of step one is very interesting. “Doing a first step” is usually done with a sponsor by going through the Big Book (that is their bible) and learning what an “alcoholic” is.

Don’t we know what an “alcoholic” is? Doesn’t the dictionary define it as “one who is actively suffering psychological or physical problems from consuming alcohol”? Basically, yes; however, when doing a first step, one will learn that AA defines an “alcoholic” as one with a “spiritual malady, a disease of the mind, an allergy of the brain, who is selfish, self-serving, self-seeking, who is naturally restless irritable and discontent.” AA believes that it is this culmination of characteristics that are found within every human that causes people to become susceptible to alcohol addiction, not the fact that alcohol is an addictive drug.

The drinker or the drink? The sinner or the sin? This is a big one to unpack. The point here is that AA constructs an idea (in the very FIRST step!!!!!!!) that it is possible for one to have a horrible drinking problem and not be an “alcoholic” in their eyes and vice versa. I always like to watch and, more so, listen. Having been to hundreds of AA meetings, it is safe to say that this “alcoholic” identity gets into people's minds in weird ways. One of these is the idea that everyone in the program is a “sick” person. One day, and I will never forget this, John said to Jane, “Hey Jane, how are you doing?”. Jane coughed and said, “Alright, sorry, I would give you a hug, but I am sick.” And I’ll never freaking forget this John then bowed his head and said, “Oh, aren’t we all sick.” Further to this once one is of the mind that they are this “alcoholic” all of their actions in life whether good or bad, will be due to the idea that they are an “alcoholic.” Thus negating objective reality. To be clear, AA believes there is a difference between someone who is a raging alcoholic and someone who is a raging “alcoholic.” One of those is in parentheses, and one isn’t. Alcoholism is not black and white; it’s a spectrum, and we need to understand that in this society.

Again, my life’s work has concluded that the human mind is programmable; many of those within AA have had their minds coerced in ways that latch onto an identity that is made up, focused on, and focused on more. As Joseph Goebbels, the minister of propaganda of Nazi Germany, said: “Lie big enough and keep repeating it, and it will become truth.”

Further, they put the pressure on the drinker, not the drink, aka it's not a victim-based program. Also, steps two through twelve have profound spiritual importance, as we may see in another thing called the Holy Bible.

But we are not close to that part yet. At this point, I had zero understanding of spirituality. I wasn’t technically an atheist. Frankly, I don’t think many are 100% atheists. Usually, people say that there is a small possibility of God existing. Technically, I was agnostic, but I really couldn’t come to believe in God. I tried, tried, but I just couldn’t get there.

After rehab, I continued going to AA meetings, but I couldn’t get the God thing in step two. Life was bad, super bad! The only thing I hated more than everything was myself. Also, because I 100% believed that the program AA was the ONLY way to get sober, I knew I would never get sober because, in my mind, AA was the only way, and it wasn’t my jam.

Victimhood 101 was my jam; what is victimhood 101, you may ask? That’s right, you must change so I can thrive. So, what did I do? That’s right, I tried to kill myself. Get ready. Here comes that salt!! I tried many times to use a gun, but I was too big of a bitch, so I decided some 400-800 sleeping pills washed down with beer would do the trick. I didn't feel much that evening, perhaps just peace when I laid down that evening. Want the full story? “Crazier Than I Thought” is available at TruthNugget.Co. I don’t remember anything from the next day or two; I believe I was violently convulsing while pissing and shitting myself in a hospital bed. What I do remember was coming too; I tried to quickly sit up only to be stopped by the restraints of the hospital bed. “OHH GOD DAMN IT!!” I proclaimed. It was at that moment I realized my prayer had not been answered. It was at that moment my father realized that his prayer was answered. Heavy. They say we have to hit rock bottom, and I disagree. Anyway, this wasn’t the bottom.

Soon, I was back seeing another Medical Doctor who again gave me multiple mental health medications and quickly gave me more legal speed; this time, it was a lower dosage and a slightly less potent type. He knew about my Adderall addiction. Anyway, I was just happy for more drugs. By this point I had ballooned to over 300LBS and there wasn’t much left in my soul. I would drink, take as much of the legal speed as I could, and carry on. Those pills were all I cared about; heck, I even needed them to drink; without them, my metabolism couldn’t keep up with the beer.

Around this point, I read a book called “This Naked Mind” written by Annie Grace, and I am forever grateful to her for it. If you are a drinker, I highly recommend you read it. The basic premise is that we have for our entire lives been filled with all sorts of nonsense about how great alcohol is. Annie blames the drink, not the drinker. What her book did, and it took an entire book, so we won't even try here, was to get my mind naked. What? Yes, that is to get all of the lies about alcohol, lies about alcohol that are in our subconscious minds out of our subconscious and awaken us to the truth that we know about alcohol. Within our genetic code is truth; there is! We understand why alcohol takes like crap, and we know why kale tastes like crap; there is a very simple reason for these things. It's just that the matrix / the enemy / the devil has hijacked our minds – literally. This book enabled a profound awakening within; everything I had been programmed with about alcohol was a lie! Also, AA wasn’t a requirement. I went hardcore woke against AA. The ravenous talons of a victim are impressive, to say the least. Understanding the importance of a “Naked Mind” is incredibly important as it pertains to life in many realms. Anyway, I only stayed sober for a bit after reading Annie's book, but it still played a crucial role in understanding the human condition and my sobriety now.

Mindy had me build a custom sandbox for her and her child in my woodworking career. It was a pretty cool sandbox, and Mindy was a pretty cool lady. Mindy and I eventually became friends, and Mindy eventually became Miles. Most people are genuinely good people; Mindy / Miles was a genuinely good person; I am a genuinely good person, and I am sure you are, too, but that doesn’t mean we don’t mess up in huge ways. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication; however, without a few basic foundations, the enemy can easily manipulate us. The foundations of my mindset were simple: nice = good, not nice = bad, and be nice—support, support, support, and inclusion. If Mindy felt she was a man and that being a man was her true self then not supporting her on this journey would be bad. Mindy and I were not that close, but I still gave her the “good on you for being so brave” in her transition to becoming Miles. One gentleman that I have had the pleasure of meeting and would love to get to hear a few stories from was, I believe, once in a really bad helicopter crash, a number of folks died. The last words from the cockpit were “too hot, too fast, too hot, too fast.” The response from my father, who is my rock, to having not just been there but also reading my book “Crazier Than I Thought” basically said, “I just didn’t know what was going on,” in other words, “too hot too fast, too hot too fast.”

I had a lot of sleep paralysis; that’s when your mind is awake, but your body can't move. Sleep paralysis is terrifying; demons seem to come and try to attack, and many have encountered this. Real and not real will be discussed further later on. What do you think? Is the physical realm the only realm? Often, in my sleep, I would have out-of-body experiences; I would float, and I would fly by changing my body position as one does when skydiving. A better understanding of near-death experiences now has me believing that is what was going on there. I would float/fly around my room, sometimes into other rooms, and sometimes even outside. It was so freeing; I felt peace. I wanted to fly further away, but I would always wake up. Through all of this, I had zero sense of spirituality; whether it be connecting with God or embracing nature, none of it made sense.

Continued were the days of getting fatter and sicker. I wanted to kill myself, but I promised my family I wouldn’t; I just didn’t care too much; the pain of life was hell, hell that was held at bay with legal speed. Before too long, I was 373LBS. I couldn’t walk more than ½ mile without an insane amount of pain, and life really just seemed to be over. The pain built and built until something had to change. I was basically bored of the pain; even if changing would be worse, at least it would be different.

CHAPTER 7 – WAKING UP

ave you ever heard someone reference “waking up”? Sometimes, one will say, I am waking up to the importance of vitamin c., Or perhaps, waking up to the importance of proper diet and even waking up to the importance of how good a T.V. show is—waking up to a different set of beliefs. What is waking up anyway? What is consciousness, what is unconscious? What is asleep? What is awake? When we are asleep, are we unconscious? When we are awake, are we actually fully conscious? These are very big questions. Now, the full name of my first book is “Crazier Than I Thought – Seeing The Matrix: An Autobiography And More.” In super simple terms, the matrix is the system, and where the matrix thrives is in ways in which we have been programmed. Gulp. Ready?

Great! Now, if we back up this story's timeline, about a year ago, I was still drinking and drugging, and this is when COVID-19 popped off. My coming to faith has been a direct result of becoming a “conspiracy theorist,” if you will. My father, who I was living with then, had recently retired and finally had some time to himself. He quickly started following alternative news sources. Over about a week, he started to say with as much vigor as he possibly could that COVID would be the biggest thing the world has ever known. He quickly had me convinced. I started saying the same thing on social media, and nobody was listening. Ridicule and shame came my way. I kept saying it, but more ridicule. And a month later, only once all of the legacy media was pushing the idea that covid was going to be horrible did people start freaking out. We had already stock-piled everything we needed to make it through WW3, so we were cool, but here is the deal. By the time the legacy media started pushing the propaganda, Dad had turned his stance a full 180*; he was now on board the red pill train, and so was I.

Once the pain of all-around poppiness got bad enough, I sobered up, and that was quite a trip! Again, I go into more detail in “Crazier Than I Thought,” but here is the deal. Full-blown drugs like alcohol, speed, heroin, etc., mess up in ways that are sort of reasonable, but the other “medications” that are the antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc., weirdly put us in a weird way that I didn’t understand I was in. Over the years, I had been off of the drink and drugs for a few weeks or even a month or two at a time, but I had never gotten off of the weird antidepressant mood stabilizer-type meds. After being off of them for a week or so, the most bizarre pitch shift occurred; it wasn’t that I saw colors differently or anything, it wasn’t that I was more or less depressed, it was none of those things, it was like I was ……. Sorry, so much for words. I know this is a book, and I am supposed to have them, but nope, not here.

Anyway, I was quickly halfway across the country and started working with a personal trainer. Now, as of yesterday, I am 127LBS down; I have completed a virtual ultra marathon, written and published a book (2 technically, this will be #3), have managed the family through a Hanus event, have done Jujitsu, and on and on and on. The point here is not to brag; the point is the opposite: I was astonishingly insecure, scared, afraid, nervous, and mortified, even with something as simple as going to the grocery store. AKA you are not alone. YOU got this!

There are just a small handful of humans that I basically feel I owe my life to. My trainer is one of those ladies. The divine feminine within was the perfect fit to bring back to life the divine masculine within me. This was a time of general awakening in life. Going from heavy drinking, drugs, and medicine to nothing, it's pretty wild, dude. Through the years, even when I was fit and jacked, I have dealt with some pretty debilitating back pain. After a few training sessions, my back pain began to subside, even after a lot of physical exercise. I was starting to say, “Hmmmm”, and just FYI, that is a telltale sign of waking up. Anyway, one day had me doing a lot of physical exercise, and my back was in real pain. I went for a training session and asked if we could tailor the session to “some of those exercises and back stretch things” we were doing before. We spent an hour doing said movements; I walked out in tears, not because I was in pain, but because I wasn’t. WHAT!!?

Movement heals; movement is medicine! I woke up, I woke up real quick! During the next session, I said, “Hey Serin, um, you healed me!! What the actual heck? Is this normal?”. Here's the deal: when someone who has been there and done that responds with something to the effect of “Oh yeah, totally doable,” just believe them. And Serin's response to my back being healed was, “Oh yeah, movement heals.” she was so nonchalant. “UMMMM WHAT!!! WHY DON’T OTHER PEOPLE KNOW THIS??” I asked. “Hmmm, good question; I guess maybe it's not common knowledge,” she replied.

The world is an interesting place for sure, we all have our roles and our own personalities. Ever heard of a “Karen”? I bet you have. You know how Karens often get too over amped about certain things? Yeah, well, your boy here is definitely a Karen! You can bet your booty. I went woke to the movement matrix: Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, friends, family, and more; I was telling them all that “MOVEMENT HEALS!” I was really screaming about this stuff, and it’s important. So, did people listen? Not really. Why? Well …. anyway.

The phases of waking up are; 1 saying “hmm,” 2 saying “Holly crap! How did I not know this”, and 3 going woke.

It's also safe to say that I am a huge hypocrite; ever since my awakening after skydiving, I was really enthralled with the idea of happiness and what made humans thrive. Always curious, extremely curious. It had been my long-held belief that a vegan diet was ideal for humans, that red meat was very bad, and this was not only backed up by my skydiver friends who were often vegans but all of what society had generally known for a long time—a “long” time to remember why Americans are small-minded. Anyway, I freaking love Serin; always well a great friend, but she is a vegan.

Now, let's pause for a second and note the word “sacred”; I never really understood that word. Some people hold certain things as sacred, and in the past, I have pushed and joked with people about what they held as sacred. It was a failing, and it will continue to be a failing. With that said, I didn’t realize how veganism or, let's say, Christianity could be to people.

Serin held her beliefs in an appropriate way, IE, she didn’t cram them down others' throats. With all that said, as I was infinitely curious about what enabled people to thrive, I spent an enormous amount of time on whether veganism was the way to go. Is meat really bad? I didn’t know. But what I did know for a fact was that kale was a superfood, and while maybe a little red meat was okay, a lot of salty, fatty steak was a death wish. It's a lot of salty, fatty steak that has enabled me to lose 127LBS and be better off physically than ever before. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Let's dive into the food matrix a bit. All of these awakenings are crucial have been crucial in getting to Jesus.

A lot is coming fast here; it takes a LOT of time to see all of the matrixes and even more time to deprogram from them, and that’s not what we are going for here; if you still think kale is a healthy food, no problem. So, I started hearing about this Paul Saladino guy; he was saying some interesting things, like “kale is bullshit,” “cholesterol is not a problem,” and “butter is a health food.” I thought he was a total quack!! I ran this by Serin, and she concurred. But I kept listening to Dr. Paul and started to say, “Hmmmm.” I questioned Serin a bit, and she got a little tiff; I went back to listening to Dr. Paul and started saying, “Hmmmm.” That was phase 1 in the awakening process of understanding the food matrix. Then I did step 2 and, of course, step 3, which was the woke phase. Let this be a seed; kale is bullshit; thy fruit doesn’t lie. Onward.

Things were happening, flowing. Before too long, I had lost 30LBS, Serin healed my back, and I hadn’t had any psychiatric problems; WHAT?! For 8 years, I held as FACT that I was this “bipolar” thing and that medications were a basic requirement, “hmmmm.” Step 1.

Covid had been in full swing for some time now, and it was clear that the pandemic was a pandemic. Somewhere in this time, I had one of those days with 5 ULTRA strong coincidences; it was weird. Instead of a full step 1 “hmmmm,” I gave God a “hm”. Life was getting better and better, and big things were happening; I didn’t know what was going on, so one night, I tried talking to God, and here is what happened.

Lying in bed, my eyes closed, and I said, “Hey, ummm God, or whatever bro, ummm yeah. So, a lot is going on, IDK, thanks maybe. Hey, do you remember that lady I said all those vial things to? Yeah, of course, I am not going to reach out, but please take care of her; she needs it, and she deserves it. K later, dude”. My eyes opened, and “ting,” a text message came in. And guess who it was from, yeah. “Hey, Casey, I am in the neighborhood; I just thought I would say hi; how are you doing?” she said.” I was in shock, to say the least! “Wow, hey there. Definitely surprised to hear from you! I am doing well, sober, losing weight, and getting on track. Hey, look, there aren’t words for this, but I was completely out of line and out of character the last time we spoke; an apology isn’t enough, but it’s all I have for you at the moment,” I replied. “Ohh, it’s okay, hearing that you are doing better is all that matters.” Talk about a genuine “what the actual fuck” moment …...

The real name of my trainer is not actually “Serin”; I use that name for two reasons: #1 anonymity and #2 Serin is short for Serendipity. Things were a bit weird at this point; too many things were intermingling into the fabric of life to express all of them. In any case, Serin and the crew she ran with (ha! Pun intended) were ULTRA runners. Even when I was in great shape, I held a marathon as a true pinnacle of human athletic performance. Serin and her crew would do 50-mile, 100-mile, and 100+ plus-mile ULTRA races. I was now walking 5 miles, 6 miles, even 8 miles at a time. Serin had her little Nugget starting to believe.

Hmmmm, again, I promise, promise, promise you, you are so much more capable than you know!! At this point, I was still so scared, so scared, so weak, and simply signing up for a half marathon was almost as big as jumping out of a plane for the first time. I was nervous, so nervous and afraid that folks would laugh and mock the fat guy for walking a half marathon and not running it, and even more anxious about failing to complete it. Complete it, I did, and a crazy idea was born. The idea of being the crazy one still had me believing that standing out was the way to get what I yearned for most, so one day, I posed a question to Serin. The question I was about to pop was seemingly so insane that I was afraid of getting sent back to the looney bin. “Hey, do you think a marathon at 300LBS is possible?” I asked. She is the type who is good at handling “situations,” so I figured she would pump the breaks and redirect things, but that wasn’t the case. “Ohh yeah, no problem, totally doable.” The look on her face and the tone of her voice was like that of a barista saying, “Ohh yeah, no problem, switching from a medium to a large, no big deal.” Hopefully, that analogy made sense. Anyway, I was shocked, and the goal to set the world record for the fastest 300-plus LB person to complete a marathon was set.

A lot was going on; in just a few short months, I woke up to the food matrix, the medicine matrix, the movement matrix, the drug matrix, the alcohol matrix, and more. Again, the food, medicine, drugs, alcohol, etc. matrixes are all part of a larger system, and where this system/matrix thrives is in areas in which we are unaware of our programming.

Again, when a mind is “naked,” it is clean, pure, in touch with the basics, and oftentimes operates well with the natural flow of nature's vastly complex arrangement of webs and interconnected fingerlings. Unfortunately, when a mind is naked, it can easily be filled with complete bullshit. For example, there is the idea that there are more than two genders. Speaking of that, how did I ever believe there were more than two genders? Was it T.V., news, media, friends? Yes, to all. I fell victim to the “new information” phenomenon. Some people take the bait; I sure did. Some people, like my buddy James, saw the bait and knew it was on a hook, so he stayed away. And some people know why the bait is there in the first place.

Covid was in full swing, and some were absolutely screaming, “DO NOT TAKE THE JAB!” they were labeled as crazy. Were they actually? You know the answer; it is in there. But hey, speaking of programming and T.V., which literally stands for “tell-a-vision,” where you can choose your “programming,” how could one resist the lie that “the vaccines are safe and effective”? It was a big lie, a big lie that was repeated enough that it became the truth.

Whoooah! That was laid on thick and heavy! Life was getting better and better, but I was starting to see the matrix, and I was starting to see evil. Andrew Tate, a very polarizing figure, was becoming very popular, and he was screaming, “The matrix has programmed you; the matrix has programmed you,” and I was starting to listen. I was starting to question how I became such a fat, soft, and weak little wimp. I was starting to scratch my head and ask why my college lady friend and I worked well with the traditional gender roles, and it was only after just a semester she began to think I was an evil misogynist. I was starting to say “hmmmm” to the much bigger picture.

One day, Dad and I were conversing next to the garage. We both had some of those coincidence days; he knew about the text message story, and we were both starting to say, “Hmmm.” We see the evil in and around us; we can feel the evil. Dad was saying that some were saying that what is going on at the moment is truly, truly biblical. Biblical, bible, hmmm – nah, it's just the most studied book in the history of ever. There might be something there, but not much more than just a little something.

CHAPTER 8 – MOE’S, HOE’S, CHRISTIANS, REALTORS

o here is another thing about AA: on multiple occasions, I or others would walk in with our tails between our legs. Maybe we talked crap about the program, maybe we drank again, or maybe we did something else that wasn’t super kosher. The response was always “it’s okay”. What??!! Why weren’t they mad? Or judgmental? The truth is that maybe they were mad or judgmental, but they had a religious doctrine that put accepting repentance over sin. Interesting. The following should maybe be put later on in this book, but honestly, I don’t want to forget. The consensus among many is that when Christians say to others that they are sinners, it is coming from a place of inflammatory degradation. Sinner, sinner, sinner, you bad! You bad! No, actually, as it seems the mention of “you are a sinner” is not one of “you bad.” It is one of “you are human and therefore not perfect; you are human and therefore LOVED.” Glad we are on the flip side of that record.

Anyway, a school buddy was named Jess. He had a little rap tune, and it went like this. “My name is Jess; they call me Moe. I live down the street and go with the flow. Dissing them hoes with 12-inch dildoes. Jess was a devout Mormon. See, dissing hoes might not be ideal, but we are all sinners. Jess was always happy, kind, and respectful. I would question Jess HARD on his beliefs, and he went HARD trying to convert me. Cheers, Jess, you were correct in saying, “Christianity is awesome.” you now have a brother in Christ …. Non-denominational at this point.

Soon, Dad decided to sell his house. It had been the family home for 30 years, which meant a big task ahead of me in getting it ready for sale. I was still somewhat skeptical of Christians and very skeptical of realtors. Kieth became my father's realtor, and Kieth became my good buddy; you will see why. Now, just a word to the wise: it is very much embedded within the human condition to latch onto authority figures, leaders, those with wisdom, authors, police officers, actors, teachers, etc. Think about it; I know you have done this, too; quickly, we put those who are “ahead” of us on God-like pedestals. It is what it is; be careful; people are just people, after all.

Kieth was well dressed, well-spoken, fairly quiet, and pretty stinking honest. And by pretty stinking honest, he would by no means lie through his teeth, but he wouldn’t stray away from the fact that some aspects of sales needed to be handled carefully. That is a tricky balance, and being able to do that is impressive and integral to integrity. During an initial walkthrough of the house, Keith saw our stockpile of COVID stores, “Yeah, we got duped.” he would never say much; his head would slowly raise and then lower a bit to show understanding. Kieth is another one of those to whom I owe a heck of a lot; he walked as a man of God without knowing it. That guy guided me in ways that were needed, and I am very grateful. So why did he walk as a man of God?

At this point, I had come to believe in God, if you will; there was too much I felt in my heart to refute God completely, but full-blown Christians …... Ahhhhh yeah. I had been sobered for 3 or 4 months at this point and had seen the real evil that not only exists in society but that I had done as well. Most of my questions or statements towards Keith were met with honesty and wisdom. Keith would sometimes quote the bible, and some of it kinda made sense. Sort of like when a song has a somewhat meaningful phrase that someone quotes, know what I mean? Yeah, some of those bible teachings had some wisdom, but come on, every squirrel gets a nut sometimes. When I talked to Keith about the food matrix, the medicine matrix, the alcohol matrix, and more, he would do his head nod thing, which symbolized, “Yeah, bro, I know.”

A set of Mormon missionaries somehow got my phone number, and we had quite a chat. I felt like I knew everything, of course; hey, old habits die hard. They were coming with love and kindness and happiness and joy. My quiver still had many arrows, so these boys heard a lot of the gnarly and nasty. More or less, my words were, “Come on, bro, if you have never railed blow off of a stripper's butt, have you ever lived’’. So, we are jumping around a bit but this feels important to say. Yes, you Christians were right, Jesus all the way. However, think of this for a second. Imagine you are a lady who has been looking for the love of her life for a long time, looking and looking and praying. One day, the love of your life randomly walks up and says, “I love you. You are the love of my life, and we should get married.” What would you do? Right, splash your hot coffee on his face, call him a creep, and run away. See what I am saying? It seems that acting the part is better than showing it, which applies to many walks of life.

The fog was starting to clear, and I saw a broader picture. Society wasn’t looking so hot; the trans-woke crowd seemed very unhappy; people were dying from illnesses caused by food, jabs, and other drugs; homelessness was rampant, almost none of my friends had girlfriends or kids, inflation was bonkers, the USA was funding wars we shouldn’t have been and more. How and why? Hmmmm…

CHAPTER 9 – HYPNOSIS A HYPOTHESIS

formulated this blurb, “Hypnosis—A Hypothesis,” around this time in the story. Please bear in mind that it may “read” a bit differently and come on a bit strong. Let's flow... or at least try.…….

Hypnosis – A Hypothesis

Hi there, guy; here is that deer again (a picture of a yard art deer sculpture was originally attached to this). Thank you to those who liked the Facebook post and made nice comments about the deer. But I wanted to make sure that we all understand that this deer isn't actually a deer but simply a wood statue that looks like a deer. Yard art, that’s all.

Also linked in the comments is a video of a woman giving a speech at a school board meeting. She is dressed like a cat but isn't a cat. As her speech was partly about decerning fact from fiction and reality vs. imagination, she appropriately needed to make sure that everyone knew she wasn’t actually a cat, just dressed as one.

What is the (expletive)? What is the actual (expletive)? What is the actual (expletive) is going on here? How in the (expletive) did society get to a point where a lady dressed as a cat felt the need to make a plane that she wasn’t actually a cat and a dissertation as such needs to point out that a fake deer art sculpture isn't actually a deer?

My forthcoming hypothesis pertains to the phenomenon of hypnosis. Based on years of personally observed accounts and analysis, I hypothesize that those who are unable to distinguish reality from imagination may be engulfed in a state best described as hypnosis.

Hypnosis is defined as “the induction of a state of consciousness in which a person apparently loses the power of voluntary action and is highly responsive to direction or suggestion.”

The subjects at hand and pertaining to this hypothesis include but are not necessarily, in part or in whole, modern-day liberals, vegans, transvestites, members of the cult of Alcoholics Anonymous, and in part, those whose augmentations of reality are so severe that we must treat them as patients, not leaders.

Now, please allow me to explain a real-world account of an episode of the television show “Top Gear” in which one of the three presenters, Richard Hammond, was hypnotized. On stage, a hypnotist brought Richard Hammond “under” back onstage; Hammoud was told to believe he was about to receive his new Porsche 3000S*. Hammond was programmed to know that his new Porsche 3000S* was the fastest, most powerful, most expensive, most beautiful, and best car in the history of ever. Hammond was manipulated to believe that no matter what anyone said, he would know with all of his heart that everything about the car was real. Beyond this, Hammond was programmed to act angrily if anyone were to challenge him about his car and become very cross if anyone were to damage his car. “1,2,3 wide awake!” Hammond came to and was presented with a small child's pedal car. Looking dazed, Hammond quickly started acting like a television presenter, admiring his new car and telling the audience about it. Another presenter encouraged him to take it for a little drive. This is where things got interesting; Hammond couldn’t open the door and get in because the car was just a toy. Somewhere around this point, another presenter said, “Hammond, that is just a toy car.” with confusion, anger, and more conviction than ever, Hammond simply …... well, Hammond sat on top of the car. And now with Hammond pedaling the toy car around the tv studio another presenter told Hammond that they couldn’t hear the engine; so, Hammond just started making a “brrrrrr” sound with his mouth. Soon, another presenter came on the scene driving a kid's electric car and ended up crashing into Hammond; just as he was programmed, manipulated, and told, Hammond became quite cross and very angry. The hypnotist then said, “1,2,3 asleep”. Hammond was then deprogrammed and was again awakened.

The above account may not be 100% verbatim, but it is plenty accurate for the point to be made. Also, this was an entertainment television show, but the hypnosis was real. Hammond did state and attest that at the moment, he truly believed such fallacies and, more importantly, referenced confusion (Step 1—he said, “Hmm,” let's say) as to how he went “so far” astray.

What we said / just read above was an intelligent, capable, and seemingly conscious individual acting in ways that were completely dismissive of reality. And below, we will encounter the same, as it seems.

We must now note that fact is fact, fiction is fiction, reality is reality, men are men, women are women, toxic machine lubricants are toxic machine lubricants, alcoholics are those who suffer from alcoholism, and the government lies.

Within the cult of Alcoholics Anonymous, members have quickly led astray from the scientific definition of “alcoholism.” Members are programmed to believe that they have a “spiritual malady” and a “disease of the mind and an allergy of the brain.” Members are told not only what to believe but how to believe. Members quickly begin to lose sight of reality and believe that if they don’t participate in cult gatherings and groups, they will die. Members retort verbatim, without thinking and acting like puppets, saying things like “Your disease is in the parking lot doing pushups.” With much personal time within and around the cult of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can say with certainty that the pertinent aspects of hypnosis are alive and thriving within the members.

With a quick look at and experience with modern-day vegans, one will see that they believe fruits, vegetables, nuts, etc., are good for us to eat (fair enough). And quickly, the augmented wall of their reality is portrayed with beliefs that if “plants are good,” then “animals are bad”. Questioning such vegans with discernment to such black-and-white ideals will lead to a “scoff” and a “no.” Presenting them with factual and empirical evidence as to the beneficial nature of some animal-based foods will often lead to stress induced by cognitive dissonance so severe they will believe plant-based machine lubricants are more fit for human consumption than an organic egg as programmed and directed by a “heart healthy” label on the machine lubricants they often consume.

And the final subject fit for subjection is the modern liberal who lacks the ability to understand that the penis and testicles are to man as the vagina and ovaries are to women. Such subjects believe that a trans man is a “real man,” and vis versa, and that anything else other than this belief is “just such bullshit.” Such subjects often learn in literal sheepish fashion to act as their peers do: screaming, flailing, crying, and sometimes throwing anything they can find as their only defense against nothing more offensive than a man in a pickup truck. Almost as if, just as if “something” got inside of their heads, “something” so powerful yet so simple that it distorted their sense of reality to such a degree they would….... sit on top of the toy car when all else failed.

The above subjects (liberals, vegans, and cult members) are only short-form references; however, it is my proposed belief that the elements of hypnosis are there. Such people/subjects are conscious. They act and behave in ways not typically associated with true voluntary thoughts and actions. Once in a state that cannot act voluntarily, it seems programming with how to act is easily placed in their subconscious.

While the term hypnosis may sound a bit spiritually radical, I maintain that the phenomenon is real and very powerful. I know, and hope you do, that liberals, vegans, 12-step cult members, and trans people are GOOD people. As the human condition is one that is “good,” I would like to point out ways said subjects can and are “brought under” - trust and reverence for authority, hearing a narrative repeated, portrayals of “x” group or “x” person as especially special and finally locking them in with extreme notions the wall of cognitive dissonance cannot be passed.

With my hat on your head, please consider all of the above and attempt to see for yourself. Watch, question, analyze, and apply. Through personal endeavors, I have seen many reasonable people understand fact vs. fiction and reality vs. imagination and be so grounded in their beliefs that they miss seeing and understanding “what” is actually going on.

Many beautiful minds have been literally programmed, hypnotized, and led astray. Let us all band together to awaken not only ourselves but also those who have been led astray.

All best,

Casey J

CHAPTER 10 – MAN, DUN WRONG GUNNA MAKE IT RIGHT, HAR YUCK

eah, those are lyrics from a country song. It was about where the country singer came from. I wonder if that was Christian territory.

Keith and I would talk a lot during house sale preparations. Keith said he was an energy guy and that he could sense what was within; he even entrusted me with some sizable material possessions to assist with the job at hand. That sort of thing can mean a lot. Keith walked with candor and grace; usually, that is. One day, I laid it on all of the conspiracy stuff; he agreed with my findings and added on top of them. Epstine anyone? Having encountered amphetamine-induced psychosis before, I basically said, “This can't be real; am I having another episode?”. The answer was no, and this was backed by not only Kieth but family and friends as well. I asked, “Hey Keith, what did you do when you realized the magnitude of this evil?”. “I hit my knees and prayed,” he replied.

My quiver still had many arrows in it, and they were not at those who believed in God but now those who believed in Jesus. Kieth would duck and weave. I mean, isn’t the church whole of child molesters? I mean, isn’t the church just a scheme for money? Isn’t the church just there to tell people they are bad sinners? Isn’t this and isn’t that? He was agreeable in that all those things happened and that they were being found out. He dropped a few more bible verses on me, so finally, I decided to listen to a bit of the Bible on Audible.

Speaking of “man done wrong going to make it right,” Jess was called in by his brother, who owned a lumber mill in town, to package enough wood to build an ark. Jess called me in for backup; it was a nice week. I was still very fat and spiritually unwell, less than before, but still not right. I was nervous beyond all heck to be around people, nervous about failing, and nervous for not being so perfect around Jess in the past. It’s a long story; I apologized to Jess, and his answer was again, “It's okay.” Hmmmm, forgiveness, right? Jess loved Jesus, and I was finally willing to listen; I wasn’t ready to not judge, but actually listen. Jesus' teachings seemed very loving and kind but very childish hmm. Jess was a devout Mormon, and others in our friend circle would rip on him for being more of a devout moron. Was he a moron? If there are ten million different religions, can't they all not be factually true? But here is the deal: he wasn’t preaching Mormonism anymore; he was preaching the word of Jesus, and more so than that, he seemed to be living by it too. Happy-go-lucky little Jess believed what he believed, but more than that, he was behind the scenes living it too. He even said something to the effect, “Who cares about the denomination? Christianity is awesome!”. And yes, he did pronounce “awesome” with a joyous little alter boy type of voice. Ohh, hey, and P.S. Jess, remember how I was still fat as fudge at this point and was saying, “Dude, animal fat is actually really good for us”? Remember how you said that was debatable? Yeah, well, look at me now. Shoot, sorry! Humility, Casey, humility.

Having listened to the first 30 or so minutes of the Bible, I quickly scoffed. In conversation with Keith, I said, “Yeah, dude, cool, but the beginning is just way too childish.” He did his head nod thing again.

Seeing the matrix’s (food, drug, chemical, movement, alcohol, etc.) enabled my life to become far far better than it was. The matrix is what victimizes us; for that, we are victims; however, on the spiritual side of things, that is up to us. The hate that was in my heart was lessening; I started to feel less of a victim and started to understand the reasons behind why we suffer. For lack of better words, all explained by the 7 Deadly sins. Soon, for the first time in my life, I pointed the finger inward; I “what the fucked” myself and not others, and that was quite a trip! I finally surrendered; it was incredible. I played the secret chord, and hallelujah was composed not by my lips but by my heart.

I was starting to understand the mind better, better understanding the conscious and subconscious minds and why metaphors were a tweaker's Achilles' heal. I was starting to understand a few things but had yet to zoom out further.

CHAPTER 11 – BACK TO THE CROSS

OVID was bad on so many levels, aside from the fact that it was a cold. Smartass, I know, that one needed lots of salt. When the jabs came around, my dad's partner of twenty years basically said, "Take the jab, or we are done." Dad didn’t do it; he had a backbone. Good job, Dad! Although the Lord does have his ways, soon, he met the love of his life, and this lady is one heck of a powerhouse.

Sally, we will name her Sally. The stories in this book are true, but names have been changed. Sally is a Christian lady; she is one who again walks with grace and candor; she is fair and equitable, and she keeps a long table, not a tall fence. She has been successful enough in life to have at least a little fruit in her basket (too many metaphors? Sorry, can't stop, won't stop). Believe it or not, yours truly listens as much as I talk, and I talk a lot. I was skeptical of Sally, yet time and time again, I have seen where her heart is. Jumping way forward in this story to just a few months ago, I had a spiritual experience. Sally, Dad, brother, and I were going to town for a bite to eat. We saw a homeless man walking; Sally did, in fact, say something to the effect of “Ohh, I wish we could help”; those were her words. But I experienced something else; words can't explain it because it technically didn’t happen. Somehow, I could sense Sally’s hand and heart literally being pulled from our car towards the man, yet our car's momentum quickly pulled her hands back in the car. I recently told my father of this, and he said, “Yeah, son, she is the real deal. She always has $10 Subway cards for the homeless, and as Jackets were on sale, she just bought a few of those for those in need as well”. And tears of inadequacy are now coming; it's people like this, Christians like this, who have been shit on by those not aware of the good they were actually doing.

Anyway, back to the cross and this part of the story. By now, I no longer hated the cross or anything, but I still couldn’t get behind the whole of Jesus being one's true Lord and Savior. With that, I was happy that the wooden cross from earlier in this story was around and Sally’s birthday was around the corner, so I asked Dad to give it to her along with this note.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Hi Sally, I hope this day and this gift find you well. It has been a real pleasure getting to know you over the past few months. Wait, years—WOW, time sure does fly.

From the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank you for being so good to my Father! He is an amazing guy who deserved an equally amazing partner for many many years. We should perhaps thank the divine for arranging the two of you.

As for this cross, please let me share its story. Years ago, I was a very sick person, an angry person, a sad and in some ways ill-intentioned person. With woodworking abilities at my side, hurt in my heart, and hatred for God, I decided to make this cross…... I planned to sell it to “some stupid believer” for a few bucks, flip God off, and then go buy beer with money from said stupid buyer.

Clearly, the above represents someone who didn’t understand the divine.

However, something interesting happened……... I actually liked the piece. I liked its proportions, colors, texture, and overall design. Quite odd, as imposter syndrome always had me disliking my creations. Sharing it on social media led to many “oohs” and “awes”; apparently, many other people also liked it. Holding the piece in my hand, a momentary thought of “ha, sure would be fun (Ken crazy if I ever came to believe.” And then I, of course, proceeded to place it for sale, $xx or $xxx …. I didn’t care; I just wanted to spite God and buy some beer with a believer’s money.

Oddly, the piece didn’t sell, so I retargeted, marketed, and advertised it, and still, it didn’t sell. So, the piece sat on the corner of the workbench and the corner of the shop, collecting dust for years. On many occasions, I wanted to just throw it away or give it away, but some force kept me keeping it.

Around the time you and my Father (re)united, my life, heart, and sense of spirituality drastically changed!!! I again saw this cross and held it softly, yet with a grip that wouldn’t let go … looking up, I said, “Huh,” That is saying a lot coming from someone who never shuts up. Weeks and months went by, coming closer and finally believing in God, and there again was this cross, still covered in years of dust. Now, this time, I cleaned it off and brought it inside somewhere clean. It’s / the meaning of the cross began to share some of its real importance.

Over the years, this cross has been kept relatively clean and stowed properly. It is one of two of LITERALLY hundreds of Project Possible creations that I became simply unwilling not to let go to the right place.

Recently, God did that lightbulb thing and made it clear that you would be the perfect person to have it. Your candor, grace, kindness, and overall high standing are very admirable and appreciated by many.

Please accept it, and please recognize that the ill intent when creating it has since been purified. Please let this cross truly represent Jesus, the divine, our Father God, and everyone’s paths to him.

“May we all find His guidance.” Amen!

Best regards and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

And as the late great Billy Mays would say, “But wait, there is more!! " Things were getting better, but I was still seeing too much evil, especially the food and drugs, aka medicines, people were being prescribed. …. So much of the food in this country is full-blown poison. I know you don’t want to hear that one, but it is true. Stay tuned for “The 12 Steps To Escaping The Food, Chemical, and Health Matrix “ book coming soon.

At this point, I started playing the victim again and drinking again, not nearly as bad, though. I was working at the lumber mill, and everyone seemed to like I was improving. Except for me, though, it wasn’t my purpose; I was a middle grounder, and that is a BAD place to be in life and addiction.

The truth is that until this point, I didn’t know what faith was, and ironically, it was Dr. Paul Saladino who taught me. Having been extremely interested in nutrition, there was way too much information to put all of the pieces together. One day, I said, “Welp, Dr. Paul seems to have it most right; I'll follow that.” Perhaps that’s all faith, a little trust that whatever something is “most right.”

My time has always been spent and will always be spent in deep thought and contemplation. It had become clear that our reality is based on what we believe, what we think is based on what we perceive, and what we perceive is based on the narrative, control the narrative, control one's reality. At this point, I genuinely couldn’t understand why some people didn’t see the matrixes/government conspiracy stuff. I started questioning the burden of proof we attach to our beliefs, and God had me in the right place.

My boss at the lumber mill was a true expert millsman and woodsman. There is a fundamental difference between a woodworker and a wood artist. One isn’t supposed to call themselves an “artist,” but I was a wood artist, not a woodworker. That is not to sound cocky; the inverse is true. Bob, let's call my old boss Bob, is very much an expert when it comes to wood. My hands-on aptitude was adequate, but my knowledge of the subject matter was lacking. Bob knew what he was talking about, and soon I found myself not having faith in him but more trusting him because he met the criteria for a jurisprudence level of burden of proof “beyond a reasonable doubt.”

At this point, life was sort of okay, you could say, but a lack of faith and seeing the evil within the matrix had me just rolling and not fighting.

CHAPTER 12 – THE UNTHINKABLE

he unthinkable then happened. The matrix, AKA the devil, took my oldest brother. Enough said it was terrible. It was awful, a total shitstorm. It wasn’t any fun for me, but weirdly, I was thriving. Maybe AA’s construction of the “Alcoholic” is correct; alcoholics and drug addicts are superhuman, after all; we do thrive in shit, and it's true.

Many successful people have repeatedly said that one must “want it” and indeed “want it.” I never really understood this before, but I did have an experience with it a few times. On solo skydive #1, the helmet radio that was there to provide landing pattern instructions from the ground crew cut out. Clearly, I had to land safely. I “wanted it,” there was no other option. That’s what genuinely wanting something is when there is no other option.

In the most twisted way, losing my brother has been a blessing in disguise. There was no longer any other option but to fight the matrix and serve God. Since his death, I have lost 80ish pounds (127LBS in total), published a book, pending recognition from Record Setter have set the world record for the fastest 300+LB person to complete a virtual marathon, completed a virtual ULTRA marathon (well maybe I did 30.1 miles not 31.1 so tab on that one), was able to facilitate the family’s needs and more, there is no other option. Again, please hear this: YOU are far, far, far more capable than you could ever imagine! You are!! I believe in you! Jesus believes in you! We got this, YOU got this!

Through this, I became closer to God and continued to better understand the human condition. With more clarity, I could see how the seven deadly sins really are deadly. It was clear that the devil was the great deceiver. It became more apparent that the more focus we put on “self,” the more tumultuous life becomes. In a land designed by an intelligent force, it would be safe to believe that the most serendipitous relationship between men would be one where the nurturer gets nurtured by nurturing.

The Bible was starting to make more sense, too. Ray Dalio’s book “Principals For Dealing With The Changing World Order” allowed me to zoom out a lot. Sure, when a few words in the Bible say something like “one must forgive two golden mice for repentance of bushel theft,” it might sound kind of stupid. Another example I like is the Bible saying not to wear linen and cotton simultaneously; now, that sounds stupid. However, going back to the hippie-dippie spiritual folk, we can see that they did have something to say about frequencies and resonances; enough said. The Bible was right; how did they know that before modern science? Further to this, it has been made clear that the Bible isn’t necessarily so racist or sexist; again, with a zoomed lens, ideas have been completely taken out of context. We need to look at the whole paragraph, the entire page, the whole chapter, the book, and subsequently, the whole book. (That one is weird; the “book” that is the Holy Bible comprises multiple books).

I continued reading about psychology, the conscious mind, and the conscious mind. It became clear that the Bible uses many metaphors because we must use our subconscious mind to understand its meaning. And our subconscious mind is the part that is in control. Also, how much has language changed in just the past 15 years? Fifteen years ago, something of meaningful importance would have been described as “hecka cool.” the same thing today is said using language I don’t fully understand: “It is frizz hype” or something like that. Language changes so fast that the only way to keep a message going through time is with metaphor.

Things kept clicking. The Ten Commandments and the Seven Deadly Sins are there for a reason. When we zoom out a bit and tune in, we can see that the Bible not only tells significant parts of human history but also gives a blueprint for man to live by. It has been abundantly clear that, generally speaking, it has been the Christians who not only haven’t taken the devils' / matrixes' bait but also have known why the bait was there in the first place.

The pursuit of drugs, women, or greed never really helped me. It would be great if they did, but they didn’t. Perhaps universal truths are universal truths for a reason. When we circle back to that Adam Gent from the SMART meeting, what did he have? What made him so peaceful? Is he a Christian? I don’t think so, but he had proven himself in the physical battle realm and, I imagine, in the spiritual realm, getting nurtured by nurturing. This book has had the word “I” (funny how that word is a singular letter) used a million times. Has the United States not become a me culture? When it's “me” and not “we,” when it's “I” and not “God,” is the universal web of human thrival based on the nurturer getting nurtured by nurturing, not being acted upon?

Recently I have listened to the “Telepathy Tapes” on Spotify. The suggestion is that many nonverbal, seemingly significantly impaired autistic people are, in fact, telepathic. It is profound. Many agree that it is profound. It is so profound that I can no longer say base reality is just base reality.

Understanding some basic human condition fundamentals has led me to believe that modern science has many cult aspects. Modern science is the holy grail, and if it cannot explain it, it must refute it or, worse, censor it and ban those pursuing it.

The recent Wesly Huff / Billy Carson “thing” had me saying again, "Hmmm.

CHAPTER 13– SO JESUS HUH?

I recently started going to church and it wasn’t what I expected. Sure, there may be some hardcore churches with big-time bible bashers, but not at Gateway City Church in Hollister, CA. The people seem nice, friendly, and healthy. Okay, this is America, so there are some fat people, but they seem spiritually fit. Mentioning sins done is not met with “you bad”; it's met with love and understanding.

For some time now, I have wanted to be Baptized, but there were some technicalities. Joe Rogan generally said to Wesley Huff, “Yeah, to believe there was this guy who was born of a virgin in a stable, was the one true child of god, was sinless, was crucified, then buried, then rose from the grave to walk around on earth again is a bit much” and Wesley Huff said, “yeah it’s a lot to wrap your head around.”

Last Wednesday, between 6 PM and 9 PM, I went to a “Grow Tracks” event. The people were again kind and caring, and on the way home, I decided to be Baptized in the name of Jesus Christ.

Sure, there may be some technicalities I have yet to understand. But I have heard some of Jesus’s teachings, and they just make sense. Beyond this, it is safe to say that experts agree that Jesus was a bang-up guy who was trying to save those from a twisted and perverted world. He was killed for it. He died in the real world trying to save real people from their sins, and in spirit, he died trying to save all of us from our sins.

The decision to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior was made late last Wednesday night. It is now the following Tuesday evening, and what a ride it has been. I have felt a presence, a spirit, a flow, a resonance, a harmony that can’t be explained. Galileo was not so liked by the church for his support of heliocentrism and his emphasis on empirical evidence. Was Galileo a godsend or the antichrist? We are to be infinitely grateful for modern science, aren’t we? Yin and yang zoom out; Galileo’s time was not long ago. Four hundred years ago, the pendulum reached an inflection point, and that same bob is at another inflection point. Many in the modern sciences have thrown their hands up and have said, for lack of better words, “There is more going on here.” The Ninth Commandment says, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Through the years, my head has cocked while witnessing some that did seem to have said “holy spirit” within; their testimony would concur, yet my eyes could not see what my heart felt—the song “What A Beautiful Name It Is” has been played more than I can count. One particular line says, “My sin was great till love was greater,” and that there is a lot of love. Hey, your boy is like Jelly Roll, aka a feeler. It’s been a flow of meditation and prayer. It has been a sense of peace I have only felt once before.

“Crazier Than I Thought” Started with “drunk and high, the night sky was dark, the city lights were bright, 13,500 feet, the door of the airplane was open and I was about to jump”, a true story. In the door of that airplane before jumping was a peace I had never known, never known until now.

What has happened in the United States over the past few decades has been disturbing. It seems many are coming to Christ, and that is a beautiful thing. The Nala Ray story, while ugly, is very heartwarming. There are many left field players that are now on team Jesus. We will surely miss the mark time and time again. To those with a deeper understanding and who are further in their journeys, please accept our testimony as honest and genuine. John 9:25: "Whether he is a sinner or not, I do not know. One thing I do know. I was blind, but now I see!"

It now seems that it was not the tune of King David’s trumpet that pleased the Lord; instead, it was the harmony of a King who was composing hallelujah.

May the cadence of simplicity harmonize the falsetto of the prudent. Consider this book just another baffled king composing Hallelujah.

Casey’s Substack